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8 things I would recommend when your husband makes a break for it (AKA “takes” a “trip”)

As some of you will remember, (from my post yesterday), my husband abandoned me this past weekend.

He has since returned, but I cannot, under good conscience, tell you that he had a warm welcoming. Instead, he got two screaming children and a wife that needed 5 minutes to herself in the bathroom.

Aaaaaanywho, this is a list of stuff that I would recommend, if you know that your husband (or wife, or whatever) is leaving you for a weekend.

  1. Make sure that your bathroom is stocked with plenty of toilet paper. Otherwise, you’ll end up desperately begging your 4-year-old to bring you toilet paper, while you are stranded on the toilet. He may or may not tease you with it, but you can’t really be mad because he’s actually got a solid sense of humor.
  2. Stock up on milk. Otherwise you will have to call your mother to rush over on Friday night with a gallon, while your kids are up way past their bed times. Seriously, like 2 hours past.
  3. Have an impromptu party. This was the cause of the 2 hour delay in bed times, but it was so. worth. it. (Huge shout out to my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and my best friend (and her familia) in their contribution to the shin-dig.) It will make your husband (or wife, or whatever) jealous and you’ll have a fabulous time eating pizza and talking with adults.
  4. Plan to have people over to visit and/or help. It is way too lonely, without any adults around, for 3 days in a row. I’m not saying that I’m dependent, but I’m kind of dependent. So, sue me.
  5. Have a back-up plan for breakfast when your last English muffin gets burnt in the toaster and you can’t just “run” to the store really quickly on a Sunday morning.
  6. Have Xanax for when said English muffin is smoking and the dog starts freaking out because he doesn’t like smoke and the fire alarm goes off and everyone loses their damn minds.
  7. Stock up on caffeine and alcohol. This needs no explanation, but it’s basically essential.
  8. Don’t let your kids eat like shit and do special stuff on normal days, so that when you want to do it when Dad is gone, it’s actually special and not something you do all of the time. I had a couple of people ask me if I was going to go do something special with the kids, or if I was going to let them eat some special junk food. All I could muster was, “Ya, had I not spoiled them to the point of no return years ago.” (cue stress sweat) I did let Harrison sleep in my bed, though. So I guess that was cool for him. Delaney got nothing though, sorry girlfriend.

In conclusion, solo vacations rock, but not when I don’t get to go on them.

booooooooo. (Read that like the dream sequence in Princess Bride)

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