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Doesn’t everyone keep emergency food in their purse?

Today I took on the monumental task of cleaning out the cesspool that is my purse. (O.K., that was dramatic. It’s not a cesspool, but it is a germ filled bag of mom-crap.) I had been dreading this moment for days. It’s hard to motivate yourself to clean out something small, when you’ve spent the whole day cleaning up something big, like an entire house, after yourself and your children. By the time I have time to do something other than house work, kid work, and school work, I just want to sit my happy ass down with a T.V. show or a book.

So, today, as the kids were napping, I emptied my purse out onto the counter. It was worse than I imagined. It was as if I was emptying Mary Poppins’ bag, and not my own, beautiful, royal blue MK bag. There were things in there that should not have even fit. (Full size umbrella? How is that even possible?) Because of this ridiculousness, I would like to share with you, the true account of my thoughts while cleaning out my purse. Please commiserate with me, peeps.

  1. How in the Hell did I accumulate so much shit? I mean seriously.
  2. Why are there 6 toys in here. Literally. 6. different. toys.
  3. O.K., so there is both an empty packet of tissues and a full packet of tissues. Would it have killed me to just throw out the empty packet?
  4. So far I’ve got 12 receipts, 2 appointment reminders, 3 business cards, 2 sheets of paper that have been drawn on with crayons, and about 6,000 empty gum wrappers.
  5. 3 pens. I’ve got three pens in here. Where were you pieces of sh*t when I was looking for you yesterday??
  6. I’m pretty sure that the crumbs in here could feed a small nation. As far as I can tell there’s potato chips, popcorn, maybe a cracker-type substance, and definitely a little smeared chocolate. So basically a 4-course meal.
  7. Speaking of crumbs, there are two packets of oyster crackers and a granola bar in here. I’ll put those back in because what if I am ever stranded with the kids and without food. This will be totally handy for such an emergency situation.
  8. There are coupons strewn throughout, but I also have a coupon booklet/pocket thing in here. Maybe if I just quickly throw them into their correct pockets, I could just clean out the coupon booklet later. Damn it. Now I have to clean this sh*t out, too. WHY ARE THERE COUPONS IN HERE FROM 2014?! 10 minutes of my life=Gone.
  9. Between the 2 used tissues, the handful of cough drops, and the medicine measuring cup I just found, I’m fairly sure that if my purse had been lost or stolen, they would have assumed it belonged to Typhoid Mary.
  10. I should really probably only have, like, 2 lipsticks in here, and 1 gloss. Instead of the 4 lipsticks, 2 chap-sticks, and 3 lip glosses. This sh*t is out of control.
  11. Let me just put this diaper back where it belongs, IN THE DIAPER BAG AND NOT IN MY PRECIOUS MICHAEL KORS MASTERPIECE THAT I CAN’T ACTUALLY AFFORD SO I HAD TO ASK FOR IT FOR CHRISTMAS.

*Puts everything back into working order, throws out massive pile of garbage, breathes huge sigh of relief.*

2 days later…

HOW IS THIS LITERALLY FILLED WITH A MONTHS WORTH OF SH*T AGAIN.

Commiserate with me, please.

michael kors

MK ALL DAY, SON

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