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Humphrey Bogart, 10% dog, 90% ridiculous monster

My dog is not a normal dog. He’s probably 10% dog, 90% ridiculous monster. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably rolling your eyes, saying, “O.K. Kat, whatever you say. I’m sure he’s a snuggly, little teddy bear.” But, I’m serious. He’s a monster.

Let me break it down for you:

1. He’s got to be part alligator. (Every time I hold his collar, you know, so he doesn’t go where I don’t want him to go, he rolls like a DAMN GATOR. Have you ever seen a dog do this? RIDICULOUS)

2. He’s part demon. (Before you say, “Blasphemy!”, hear me out. I know for a fact he is part demon. Every time I pet him, it’s like making a deal with the devil. He’s all, “Why YES I would love some pets. However, you now owe me a fifth of your soul. No take-backs. And now I’ll attack anything that comes near you, man, woman, or child. So, make sure strangers don’t come close.”)

 

This is his “smile”, seriously

3. He has to be part pig. (He rolls in filth, eats garbage, and drinks mud water. He has no decorum WHATsoever.)

 

4. He is definitely part human teenager. (I’m not sure how it happened, but I picked a dog that has the same attitude as me-at age 14. When he knows he’s in trouble he runs like he’ll never have to ask me for food. NEWSFLASH mothertrucker, you have to come in to eat some time. See if you’ll like the garbage I feed your insolent ass then. Oh wait, I forgot you don’t mind actual garbage. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.)

And finally…

5. He’s part alarm system. (Think of the most annoying sound that you can hear. Now think of that sound going off, every. single. day. For no reason. Like, oh, there’s a bird in the neighbor’s yard, two houses down, I should alert the humans. Bogey: “DANGER! BARK! DANGER! BARK BARK! THE HOUSE IS IN IMMINENT DANGER!” Me: “What’s wrong Bogey??” Bogey: “You’re all going to die! I’m sure of it.” Me: 😑

I should also, maybe, mention that he could also, MAYBE, be part teddy bear. BECAUSE I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HES SO DAMN FLUFFY. I JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE HIM. I can’t be the only one with a super “special” dog. Leave me a comment and tell me all about your little jerk! 💕

I’m only demonic, like, 45% of the time.

 

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4 thoughts on “Humphrey Bogart, 10% dog, 90% ridiculous monster

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