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Contentedness-A Short Guide on How to be Content as a Parent

Parenting is hard.

I should know, I am one. Not a very good one, but a parent nonetheless. (I’m just saying, there’s room for improvement.)

If you are like me, you may struggle with your successes and failures, as a mother or father. That is why I would like to share with you all, my short guide for being content as a parent. Let this quick and concise guide calm the great waters of your mind, and place you into a calm place, where you can be, like me, content in your role as a parent.

Rule #1: (THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT!!!) IGNORE. THE. SCREAMING. You cannot stress about what you cannot “hear”. The kids have been hollering for an hour? You can’t even solve one catastrophe before they start yelling about something else? Take peace in knowing that you too can shut out the noise. It just takes a little practice. Try this technique- Start by closing your eyes when you hear a scream. Then, imagine you are on a beach, and you can hear nothing but waves and seagulls in the distance. Take 5 deep breaths, then turn up music (from a radio, TV, or cellphone, whichever you may choose) until you can no longer hear those heathens. Works for me every time.

Rule #2: IGNORE THE ADVICE YOU GET. Literally all of it. Great Aunt Bernice wants you to stop breastfeeding your four-year old? Tell that (probably) stinky old lady to shut it. Jessica, your old friend from high school, doesn’t vaccinate, and thinks you shouldn’t put that devil juice in your precious snowflakes either? You can tell her where to stick her weird-ass, crunchy, non technical mumbo jumbo and I PROMISE you, she will stop offering you her unsolicited advice.

Rule #3: REPEAT THIS DAILY. “I am a good parent. I love my children. I did not kill the kid(s). I made sure they are fed. I have done all that was required of me by the Lord and/or the state. I resisted the temptation to run away. I resisted the temptation to smoosh little Susan’s face in. I resisted the temptation to eat the third ice cream cone. I resisted the temptation to be drunk by noon. I resisted the temptation to start smoking that crack cocaine.” (It seems as though being a good parent is really just a whole lot of resisting temptations.) (Interesting)

Rule #4: KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT YOUR CHILD’S FRIEND, YOU ARE THEIR PARENT. It is in NO WAY your responsibility to entertain your child. I mean, it, like, sort of is, but not totally. You are entitled to tell them to go play by themselves. It is O.K. if you don’t want to play Uno for the 76th time. It is also O.K. to send them out into the back yard, by themselves, so they can run amuck. Everyone needs space, not just adults. And, frankly, it’s in everyone’s best interests if little Franklin Delano gets some fresh air without his mommy. How else will he learn that mommy ain’t raisin’ no fool. Get out in those streets boi! Make momma some money! Sell that lemonade! No, not Beyoncé’s album, the fresh squeezed variety that comes from the Country Time powder canister.

Rule #5: REMEMBER THAT PARENTING MISTAKES ARE NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. We all make mistakes. Seriously. Whether they are minor or major, kids are resilient and you are too. Unless you do something terrible like, GOD FORBID, insist that your 4.5 year old take a nap. The fury that will emanate from this child’s being will scar both of you, for LIFE. From this one, you may bounce back, or you may not, it’s really anyone’s guess.

I can assure you, that if you follow these simple rules, you can achieve some type of minor contentedness in your role as a parent. It may last 5 minutes, it may last 5 days, but it is important to remind yourself that NO ONE is perfect. Even the ones that look perfect online, like this biatch on Facebook and Instagram, are not perfect either.

Or you could say screw it and invest in this handy child containment contraption formerly know as “A child’s rocking chair”. I didn’t even have to put him in here, he got stuck himself. 💯 Parenting win.

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